This week has been quite hectic.
Hectic with emotions that is.
I lost grip of myself and fall back into the dark circle of sadness.
I weep. I cried cause my heart is in a state of mess.
Technically,I don't really know what I was tearing about.
It's like the mind is being troubled by so many thing but then again,I just don't know what it is.
My tears usually falls during my solat & it's heartbreaking.
But I know,Allah SWT heard me.
Probably,He wants me to remember Him and that is why He challenged me with these hardships.
As I sujud,I felt His overwhelming grace. It's a wonderful feeling.
O Allah,please give me strength to go through this.
I'm so weak Lord,and I need Your guidance.
Please restore this heart with much faith.
I miss You,Allah.
Give me Your light and bring me to Your path.
You're angry with me. I can see that.
I've broken your heart,your trust & so much more. It's unbearable.
But I know,if I text you,you wouldn't want to read it,right?
And it's far too long for me to explain at there,of course.
So,let me just tell you things from here.
I apologize if I've hurt you.
Truly,there's no intention in it.
But you read my words wrongly.
When I said,advise your heart to let go of me,that doesn't mean I don't want you to be my friend completely.
The sentence was meant to be about asking your heart to stop beating for me.
Because I know,we can't lie that we still care for each other.
I don't deny that.
Didn't I tell you that,if you need a friend to talk to,I'm always here?
And I mean it.
When I ask your heart to move on,because you told me you were tired thinking of everything.
Thinking about us. It causes confusion. Yes,indeed it does.
All I wanna say is,I'm not stopping you in being my friend. My very good friend.
I don't wanna cause suffering for you but the one who able to make you smile.
Maybe not like a lover but as a bestfriend.
I know,my words are too confusing for you but I hope you'll get what I meant..
Like I've always said,no matter what,I'm still here cheering for you though you can't see it.
When you've read this,it's okay if you don't wanna reply.
I understand it's tough.
I'm not in your shoes. I can't never feel what you're feeling.
But,I've never regard you as a stranger.
You can come up to me anytime if you need a buddy. A mate. A bro. Whatever it is.
I apologize once again.
Truly,from the bottom of my heart.
I've always been fond of converts.
Specifically,Muslim converts.
There something about them I'm kinda jealous or maybe embarrassed about,
which is,their love for Allah SWT.
Because when they pour out their love for Him,it seems so inspiring.
And I keep telling myself,"Why am I not like them?".
I'm born Muslim but yet,I don't really pay much attention.
But of course,everyday I will try my best to be better. Insya Allah.
Seeing a convert's devotion for Allah,brings that warmth feeling in your heart.
Because you know,they embrace a good thing.
A wonderful religion I might say.
Just today,my colleague fetch down a patient who is a convert.
I got excited when I heard about it.
I don't know why I reacted that way but yeah.
So,this convert person is a guy. A young man,I must say.
And he's a Chinese.
When I looked at his face,there's some like one kind of Nur (light) on his face.
Indeed that's Allah's gift.
When me & my colleague send him back to the ward,in his room,
I found a small Qur'an & Yasin.
Subhanallah. A small smiled curled up on my face.
Then when we told him that the doctors will come & see him later,
he replied,"U mean the doctors will come after Mahgrib?".
With smiles on our faces,we nodded.
You see,that's why I respect these converts.
They never fail to forget Allah SWT & Prophet Muhammad (pbuh).
Hopefully,I will have a friend who is convert cause I wanna learn from them.
There's so many questions to be ask.
Insya Allah,Allah might meet me up with a new brother/sister convert someday.
Ramadan; it's ending so fast.
It seems like just yesterday this thing has started.
Honestly,it's kinda sad for me that Ramadan is going to leave us.
Because this is the only month,that we feel much more calm & peace.
Yes,stomachs do growls but our hearts growls even more for the love of Allah.
Subhanallah.
Like they always say,"Enough of feeding your stomachs,it's time to feed your soul".
I've been doing alot of Qur'an recitations lately & do abit of Dhikir here & there.
But there's one thing I haven't accomplish which is doing Solat Terawih.
Of course,I do wanna do it,but then it's hard to leave my mum all alone at home.
Nevertheless,I will still try to find a day to do it so at least I will know how does it feel like.
Insya Allah.
The hardest part of Ramadan is,controlling your anger.
Seriously,that's the worst side of me.
During this month,I've learnt to Ighstifar alot when I'm in that situation.
Because usually,when I'm angry,I will vent it out through food.
But,as we know we are fasting,we learn to say,"Patience dear heart,you are fasting".
There are so much benefits in this month that masya Allah,I don't even know how to describe it.
Allah has given so much of His Nur (light) to guide us into better people.
The peace in your heart,will always overhwelm by His words in the Qur'an.
Now that Laylatul-Qadr has started,insya Allah,we will get more blessings from Him.
Turn to Him my friends.
As He is All-Forgiving.
Because pleasing Him will benefit us more in Akhirah than in Dunya. Insya Allah.
(':
It's such a sad thing that I keep crying over you.
Whining about you. Hurting myself because of you.
But yet again,you're out there enjoying criticizing me & saying negative about me.
It's sad though. That's how you see me.
All these years,I sacrificed,I tried my best to show my care & concern eventhough how bad you're mad at me,but still,I've been indicate as 'the past.'
You pointed out my mistakes than what about yours?
Have you ever even think about it?
"You are special my dear,there's no one new in my heart except you",does this line ever give a recall to you?
Look at the mirror & see your reflection,are you that perfect?
To be honest,I still do have feelings for you & only Allah knows how much you meant to me.
And because of one misunderstanding,you pushed me away like I'm some kind of a disease.
Well,maybe I am.
Because I know,deep down you still prefer girls with looks & tight dresses.
I'm just an ugly girl with hijab.
But you know what,one thing about you is that you are not man enough to face me.
You put it all on your twitter & you deleted me.
If seriously,you have problems with me,be man enough to tell straight to my face.
Not hide behind a dumb application & feel manly about it.
If you think I make many mistakes,I can point yours too.
You used to always tell me,"I'm not like him. Not like the others. Don't you believe me?"
Ya Allah,I'm crying buckets right now.
How I wish I could just grab your shirt,shake you,scream at you & say,"Why are you doing this to me?! Why are you torturing my feelings?!"
Do you know how long I took to recover from my past relationship & open my heart for you?
It was never easy.
And here we are,oh wait,here YOU are ditching me because of my mistakes.
Like my friend quoted,"Some people just don't appreciate your existence."
Which is true.
In most of our lives,we always think that a relationship is important to make us feel complete.
To comfort us,to make us feel secure.
But little do we know,that at times,relationships can bring an anchor into our heart.
It drags you down when the emotions are not there.
Yes,love can be heavenly but yet again,it can be hell.
Throughout this phases of life,you will meet different types of people.
They might be the one who guides or just being plain ignorant.
Nevertheless,every person we met,every relationship/friendship we went through will always have the bitterness/sweetness in it.
It's up to us to see it.
But one thing negative about it,most of us,when they lose their faith to the other person,that's when they started to get into each other's throat.
Bitching & merely saying negative things about each other.
That's reality.
The flaws of a relationship,it's hard to accept it.
Everyone will have their own masks & hide behind their true self.
Then after a long time,true face exposed.
That's why,for us,the weaker humans,must be ready to step into this cruel world with a strong heart.
Because too many people,will start ditching you just because of the minor mistakes.
They have yet to see their flaws & they are pointing their fingers upon others.
Some things are better left unsaid though.
Just because you don't wanna keep the arguement going.
We all have our dark sides. Nobody's picture perfect.
There are some days,you will belonged to someone & some days you don't.
And there will be times,you wonder,where have you gone wrong?
What do you have to do to make things better?
But in the end,all you can do is just leave it alone.
Because you know,there's no more hope in it.
You've
tried all your best to help them,to cure them,but the differences
between the two of you is what stopping you from going on.
Nevertheless,there is still part of you,which prays that person will be safe no matter how much you hate them.
Ya Rabb,everything happens for a reason,indeed.
Only You have the answer.
All those nightmares & sweetdreams,are just fake part of dunya.
Truly,Akhirah is better than this.
Was quite disappointed with what has happened,but in the end,I tawakkul.
I've put my reliance on Allah & heal myself.
Yes,hatred seems hard to forget,but I still do forgive.
Sigh.
O Allah,give me the strength to forgive.
Slowly,I was about to explode but yet again,I paused.
Like I always told myself, if Siti Hajar (may Allah be pleased with her),can survive in the dessert with only her son,Prophet Abraham (pbuh),and rely her life on Allah SWT,I'm sure I can.
Life is not to impress people but Him.
Insya Allah,I will have my jodoh someday.
La Tahzan hajar. Innallaha ma'as sobirin.
Allah test His fellow servants,to make us stronger right?
I'm about to tear up as I'm typing this.
Insya Allah,I will be better.
Nevertheless,as quoted,time will heal scars,but no matter what,the scars can still be seen.
This week has been quite hectic.
Hectic with emotions that is.
I lost grip of myself and fall back into the dark circle of sadness.
I weep. I cried cause my heart is in a state of mess.
Technically,I don't really know what I was tearing about.
It's like the mind is being troubled by so many thing but then again,I just don't know what it is.
My tears usually falls during my solat & it's heartbreaking.
But I know,Allah SWT heard me.
Probably,He wants me to remember Him and that is why He challenged me with these hardships.
As I sujud,I felt His overwhelming grace. It's a wonderful feeling.
O Allah,please give me strength to go through this.
I'm so weak Lord,and I need Your guidance.
Please restore this heart with much faith.
I miss You,Allah.
Give me Your light and bring me to Your path.
You're angry with me. I can see that.
I've broken your heart,your trust & so much more. It's unbearable.
But I know,if I text you,you wouldn't want to read it,right?
And it's far too long for me to explain at there,of course.
So,let me just tell you things from here.
I apologize if I've hurt you.
Truly,there's no intention in it.
But you read my words wrongly.
When I said,advise your heart to let go of me,that doesn't mean I don't want you to be my friend completely.
The sentence was meant to be about asking your heart to stop beating for me.
Because I know,we can't lie that we still care for each other.
I don't deny that.
Didn't I tell you that,if you need a friend to talk to,I'm always here?
And I mean it.
When I ask your heart to move on,because you told me you were tired thinking of everything.
Thinking about us. It causes confusion. Yes,indeed it does.
All I wanna say is,I'm not stopping you in being my friend. My very good friend.
I don't wanna cause suffering for you but the one who able to make you smile.
Maybe not like a lover but as a bestfriend.
I know,my words are too confusing for you but I hope you'll get what I meant..
Like I've always said,no matter what,I'm still here cheering for you though you can't see it.
When you've read this,it's okay if you don't wanna reply.
I understand it's tough.
I'm not in your shoes. I can't never feel what you're feeling.
But,I've never regard you as a stranger.
You can come up to me anytime if you need a buddy. A mate. A bro. Whatever it is.
I apologize once again.
Truly,from the bottom of my heart.
I've always been fond of converts.
Specifically,Muslim converts.
There something about them I'm kinda jealous or maybe embarrassed about,
which is,their love for Allah SWT.
Because when they pour out their love for Him,it seems so inspiring.
And I keep telling myself,"Why am I not like them?".
I'm born Muslim but yet,I don't really pay much attention.
But of course,everyday I will try my best to be better. Insya Allah.
Seeing a convert's devotion for Allah,brings that warmth feeling in your heart.
Because you know,they embrace a good thing.
A wonderful religion I might say.
Just today,my colleague fetch down a patient who is a convert.
I got excited when I heard about it.
I don't know why I reacted that way but yeah.
So,this convert person is a guy. A young man,I must say.
And he's a Chinese.
When I looked at his face,there's some like one kind of Nur (light) on his face.
Indeed that's Allah's gift.
When me & my colleague send him back to the ward,in his room,
I found a small Qur'an & Yasin.
Subhanallah. A small smiled curled up on my face.
Then when we told him that the doctors will come & see him later,
he replied,"U mean the doctors will come after Mahgrib?".
With smiles on our faces,we nodded.
You see,that's why I respect these converts.
They never fail to forget Allah SWT & Prophet Muhammad (pbuh).
Hopefully,I will have a friend who is convert cause I wanna learn from them.
There's so many questions to be ask.
Insya Allah,Allah might meet me up with a new brother/sister convert someday.
Ramadan; it's ending so fast.
It seems like just yesterday this thing has started.
Honestly,it's kinda sad for me that Ramadan is going to leave us.
Because this is the only month,that we feel much more calm & peace.
Yes,stomachs do growls but our hearts growls even more for the love of Allah.
Subhanallah.
Like they always say,"Enough of feeding your stomachs,it's time to feed your soul".
I've been doing alot of Qur'an recitations lately & do abit of Dhikir here & there.
But there's one thing I haven't accomplish which is doing Solat Terawih.
Of course,I do wanna do it,but then it's hard to leave my mum all alone at home.
Nevertheless,I will still try to find a day to do it so at least I will know how does it feel like.
Insya Allah.
The hardest part of Ramadan is,controlling your anger.
Seriously,that's the worst side of me.
During this month,I've learnt to Ighstifar alot when I'm in that situation.
Because usually,when I'm angry,I will vent it out through food.
But,as we know we are fasting,we learn to say,"Patience dear heart,you are fasting".
There are so much benefits in this month that masya Allah,I don't even know how to describe it.
Allah has given so much of His Nur (light) to guide us into better people.
The peace in your heart,will always overhwelm by His words in the Qur'an.
Now that Laylatul-Qadr has started,insya Allah,we will get more blessings from Him.
Turn to Him my friends.
As He is All-Forgiving.
Because pleasing Him will benefit us more in Akhirah than in Dunya. Insya Allah.
(':
It's such a sad thing that I keep crying over you.
Whining about you. Hurting myself because of you.
But yet again,you're out there enjoying criticizing me & saying negative about me.
It's sad though. That's how you see me.
All these years,I sacrificed,I tried my best to show my care & concern eventhough how bad you're mad at me,but still,I've been indicate as 'the past.'
You pointed out my mistakes than what about yours?
Have you ever even think about it?
"You are special my dear,there's no one new in my heart except you",does this line ever give a recall to you?
Look at the mirror & see your reflection,are you that perfect?
To be honest,I still do have feelings for you & only Allah knows how much you meant to me.
And because of one misunderstanding,you pushed me away like I'm some kind of a disease.
Well,maybe I am.
Because I know,deep down you still prefer girls with looks & tight dresses.
I'm just an ugly girl with hijab.
But you know what,one thing about you is that you are not man enough to face me.
You put it all on your twitter & you deleted me.
If seriously,you have problems with me,be man enough to tell straight to my face.
Not hide behind a dumb application & feel manly about it.
If you think I make many mistakes,I can point yours too.
You used to always tell me,"I'm not like him. Not like the others. Don't you believe me?"
Ya Allah,I'm crying buckets right now.
How I wish I could just grab your shirt,shake you,scream at you & say,"Why are you doing this to me?! Why are you torturing my feelings?!"
Do you know how long I took to recover from my past relationship & open my heart for you?
It was never easy.
And here we are,oh wait,here YOU are ditching me because of my mistakes.
Like my friend quoted,"Some people just don't appreciate your existence."
Which is true.
In most of our lives,we always think that a relationship is important to make us feel complete.
To comfort us,to make us feel secure.
But little do we know,that at times,relationships can bring an anchor into our heart.
It drags you down when the emotions are not there.
Yes,love can be heavenly but yet again,it can be hell.
Throughout this phases of life,you will meet different types of people.
They might be the one who guides or just being plain ignorant.
Nevertheless,every person we met,every relationship/friendship we went through will always have the bitterness/sweetness in it.
It's up to us to see it.
But one thing negative about it,most of us,when they lose their faith to the other person,that's when they started to get into each other's throat.
Bitching & merely saying negative things about each other.
That's reality.
The flaws of a relationship,it's hard to accept it.
Everyone will have their own masks & hide behind their true self.
Then after a long time,true face exposed.
That's why,for us,the weaker humans,must be ready to step into this cruel world with a strong heart.
Because too many people,will start ditching you just because of the minor mistakes.
They have yet to see their flaws & they are pointing their fingers upon others.
Some things are better left unsaid though.
Just because you don't wanna keep the arguement going.
We all have our dark sides. Nobody's picture perfect.
There are some days,you will belonged to someone & some days you don't.
And there will be times,you wonder,where have you gone wrong?
What do you have to do to make things better?
But in the end,all you can do is just leave it alone.
Because you know,there's no more hope in it.
You've
tried all your best to help them,to cure them,but the differences
between the two of you is what stopping you from going on.
Nevertheless,there is still part of you,which prays that person will be safe no matter how much you hate them.
Ya Rabb,everything happens for a reason,indeed.
Only You have the answer.
All those nightmares & sweetdreams,are just fake part of dunya.
Truly,Akhirah is better than this.
Was quite disappointed with what has happened,but in the end,I tawakkul.
I've put my reliance on Allah & heal myself.
Yes,hatred seems hard to forget,but I still do forgive.
Sigh.
O Allah,give me the strength to forgive.
Slowly,I was about to explode but yet again,I paused.
Like I always told myself, if Siti Hajar (may Allah be pleased with her),can survive in the dessert with only her son,Prophet Abraham (pbuh),and rely her life on Allah SWT,I'm sure I can.
Life is not to impress people but Him.
Insya Allah,I will have my jodoh someday.
La Tahzan hajar. Innallaha ma'as sobirin.
Allah test His fellow servants,to make us stronger right?
I'm about to tear up as I'm typing this.
Insya Allah,I will be better.
Nevertheless,as quoted,time will heal scars,but no matter what,the scars can still be seen.
